On Monday, I caught a last minute flight back to Rexburg. (I was getting antsy and decided it was time to come back home.)
Wednesday morning, I get a call from my mom... My grandfather finally passed away.
I had to call my brother, Enoka, because my mom couldn't get a hold of him. Later that day he told me that my three older niece and nephews were taking the news well, except the last nephew. Fatso was having a hard time with Papa's death.
Needless-to-say, I've been okay, except when I've been talking to family members. It's soooo hard to talk to them- to hear them cry. I do, however, tend to save my tears until I'm off the phone.
I've designated this weekend as the time when I'll mourn, but I've been finding it a bit harder than I thought.
I keep telling myself that I'm okay and that I'll have my time to cry later. But who am I kidding? When someone is mourning, the best time to mourn is when you're feeling it. Suppressing the feelings only drags out the hurt and the pain more. Sometimes, we lash out at the people who are only trying to help us, and that's not healthy either.
To cry or not to cry... that is the question.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Watching Grass Grow
The other night, while my mom and I were talking, I expressed to her that the only other thing that is more boring that watching and waiting for someone to pass on, is watching and waiting for grass to grow.
Some of you may think that's a little insensitive to say about my dying grandfather, but it's true. Mom and I both had a good chuckle about it.
Last night was a good night, though. Mom had some of her musician and hula friends over. They played music, danced hula, and filled the home with lots of music and laughter. I reversed the baby monitors so Papa could hear what was going on in the front room.
My cousin Annie-Mac was also able to help Uncle Randall, my mom's brother, get set up with Skype on his computer. So, we had the computer going with Uncle Randall and Annie Mac, my mom and I in the room with Papa, and Uncle Sandford and Auntie Aulani on the other telephone and we were telling stories. Later, Uncle Sandford and Auntie Aulani were playing the 'ukulele and singing. It was a beautiful sound.
Some of you may think that's a little insensitive to say about my dying grandfather, but it's true. Mom and I both had a good chuckle about it.
Last night was a good night, though. Mom had some of her musician and hula friends over. They played music, danced hula, and filled the home with lots of music and laughter. I reversed the baby monitors so Papa could hear what was going on in the front room.
My cousin Annie-Mac was also able to help Uncle Randall, my mom's brother, get set up with Skype on his computer. So, we had the computer going with Uncle Randall and Annie Mac, my mom and I in the room with Papa, and Uncle Sandford and Auntie Aulani on the other telephone and we were telling stories. Later, Uncle Sandford and Auntie Aulani were playing the 'ukulele and singing. It was a beautiful sound.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Still Breathin'
Happy 10th anniversary of my grandmother's passing.
Grandpa is still alive and breathing.
He's a stubborn cuss that's for sure. But, that's the beauty of being "The Boss". He's cute.
Today I'm getting out of the house. Too much cabin fever! I'm heading to Vegas to catch a movie or something. Ooooo... Actually, The Golden Spoon sounds really good. Frozen yogurt! Mmmmm!!!!
I think a huge part of me being antsy here is probably due to me having a hurt ligament in my foot and not being able to workout. BLAH! Wretched foot! Oh well. Such is life.
Here's to being sane and getting out of the house!
One love~
Grandpa is still alive and breathing.
He's a stubborn cuss that's for sure. But, that's the beauty of being "The Boss". He's cute.
Today I'm getting out of the house. Too much cabin fever! I'm heading to Vegas to catch a movie or something. Ooooo... Actually, The Golden Spoon sounds really good. Frozen yogurt! Mmmmm!!!!
I think a huge part of me being antsy here is probably due to me having a hurt ligament in my foot and not being able to workout. BLAH! Wretched foot! Oh well. Such is life.
Here's to being sane and getting out of the house!
One love~
Friday, January 22, 2010
A Tender Moment
Tonight I'm pulling night shift since Auntie Candy pulled night shift last night via Skype. Just before I got on to blog, I got to see a very tender moment.
My mother didn't like the way his hair looked, so she got out the hair goop and brush and did his hair up. Then she kissed his head and said, "There you go daddy. You like that don't you? That must feel much better." Then, as she was heading out for the shower, she fixed his blanket and started to softly weep. "I don't know what I'm going to do when he's gone. I need to go visit the grandchildren and keep myself busy. I've been doing this for 24/7, and it's going to be hard not having him. He's the last parent. The last grandparent."
I don't think blogging can fully capture the tender moment between a daughter and a dying father.
Tomorrow makes exactly 10 years since my grandmother passed away. If he doesn't pass away by then, then I'm not exactly sure why he's still fighting. But, he's always done things on his own time anyway.
Tonight the dog has been pretty erratic also. Jumping up in the air, and being very clingy. The time is getting close. It's evident.
I'm praying that everyone who wanted/needed to say goodbye made their call in to Papa.
Well, I'm sure I have a long night ahead of me, and I'll probably be back on here blogging more information. (I'm at a lack of emotions at the moment. Not that it's bad-but my time to mourn will come later. But it will come.)
My mother didn't like the way his hair looked, so she got out the hair goop and brush and did his hair up. Then she kissed his head and said, "There you go daddy. You like that don't you? That must feel much better." Then, as she was heading out for the shower, she fixed his blanket and started to softly weep. "I don't know what I'm going to do when he's gone. I need to go visit the grandchildren and keep myself busy. I've been doing this for 24/7, and it's going to be hard not having him. He's the last parent. The last grandparent."
I don't think blogging can fully capture the tender moment between a daughter and a dying father.
Tomorrow makes exactly 10 years since my grandmother passed away. If he doesn't pass away by then, then I'm not exactly sure why he's still fighting. But, he's always done things on his own time anyway.
Tonight the dog has been pretty erratic also. Jumping up in the air, and being very clingy. The time is getting close. It's evident.
I'm praying that everyone who wanted/needed to say goodbye made their call in to Papa.
Well, I'm sure I have a long night ahead of me, and I'll probably be back on here blogging more information. (I'm at a lack of emotions at the moment. Not that it's bad-but my time to mourn will come later. But it will come.)
Still Kicking... Literally
This morning, as I entered my grandfather's room, I heard rustling going on. I moved around the side of the bed and there on the side-turned laptop, I saw my Auntie Candy doing her homework on Skype!
Obviously my parents didn't wake me up to pull the night shift on my grandfather. Instead, my Auntie watched him all night so the rest of us here could get some sleep! Thank goodness for technology, eh?!?! Why we hadn't thought of this sooner is beyond me.
Thus far this mornng, Papa opened his eyes once, farted, and has been having leg twitches. His body has been cooling down and his urine has been a very deep red. All things considered, I hope he passes today.
Will keep all of you family and friends updated as it progress or digresses.
Obviously my parents didn't wake me up to pull the night shift on my grandfather. Instead, my Auntie watched him all night so the rest of us here could get some sleep! Thank goodness for technology, eh?!?! Why we hadn't thought of this sooner is beyond me.
Thus far this mornng, Papa opened his eyes once, farted, and has been having leg twitches. His body has been cooling down and his urine has been a very deep red. All things considered, I hope he passes today.
Will keep all of you family and friends updated as it progress or digresses.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Telephone Calls from Loved Ones
Well, it's day two since being in Nevada.
Last night I feel asleep on the couch- trying to nurse my pulled ligament in my foot. Being that I feel asleep early I also pulled night duty for my grandfather. During the night I could hear him moaning with some pain. I gave him his meds every 1 and 3 hours as directed. He slept well throughout the night. Even now, he lays in a supine position, eyes have darkened, cheeks sunken.
One of the blessings, I guess, of dying slowly, is that it allows other people to call in and say their thank you's and goodbye's. I was able to hear from a few of my mother's cousins, and my grandfather's cousins. It was great. During one of the calls, one of the hospice nurses got teary eyed. He hadn't heard so many people express their love and appreciation to someone like our family has been doing. Basically - Welcome to our family.
It's been sweet and rewarding to be here.
Today I spoke with my uncle and we were talking about grieving. Apparently people have been getting upset with him because he hasn't shown some sort of "grief". However, people need to understand that not everyone grieves the same. Some will wail with tears, others will cry silently, and others will mourn at a later time. Point is - we'll all grieve in our own way.
I feel - I'll grieve when I get back to Rexburg next week. And, that's okay.
Last night I feel asleep on the couch- trying to nurse my pulled ligament in my foot. Being that I feel asleep early I also pulled night duty for my grandfather. During the night I could hear him moaning with some pain. I gave him his meds every 1 and 3 hours as directed. He slept well throughout the night. Even now, he lays in a supine position, eyes have darkened, cheeks sunken.
One of the blessings, I guess, of dying slowly, is that it allows other people to call in and say their thank you's and goodbye's. I was able to hear from a few of my mother's cousins, and my grandfather's cousins. It was great. During one of the calls, one of the hospice nurses got teary eyed. He hadn't heard so many people express their love and appreciation to someone like our family has been doing. Basically - Welcome to our family.
It's been sweet and rewarding to be here.
Today I spoke with my uncle and we were talking about grieving. Apparently people have been getting upset with him because he hasn't shown some sort of "grief". However, people need to understand that not everyone grieves the same. Some will wail with tears, others will cry silently, and others will mourn at a later time. Point is - we'll all grieve in our own way.
I feel - I'll grieve when I get back to Rexburg next week. And, that's okay.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Final Days
Well, some of you may know that my last living grandfather is now in his final days.
I am currently in Nevada assisting my parents with the care of the grandpa, and also helping them take care of themselves. It's been a long road for them- for all of us.
I flew in to Las Vegas last night, and initially got 4 hours of sleep with an hour sleep here and there since this morning. I'm running errands, talking to family members, assisting the hospice nurses and making arrangements for his passing. As odd as this may sound, I actually was able to administer my first suppository this morning. It's a good thing a part is just a part - because I'm not sure everyone can do what I've been doing these past 14 hours or so.
Work and school have been working with me and have been very understanding in my situation. I got things cleared and booked the next available ticket out here. (One way of course. I'm not putting a time line when to return to work, but I did let them know that I will probably be gone for a week.) Between studying for school, working out, helping my parents, and taking care of my grandfather - I have a feeling I'm going to be very busy.
I don't expect my grandfather to make it past this weekend, but you never know. He's already gone into renal failure, cannot eat/drink, is restless, and seeing people from the other side. I'm not sure who or what he's waiting on, but I hope he goes comfortably and soon.
Please pray for my family members that they will be comforted and can help one another through this.
One love~
I am currently in Nevada assisting my parents with the care of the grandpa, and also helping them take care of themselves. It's been a long road for them- for all of us.
I flew in to Las Vegas last night, and initially got 4 hours of sleep with an hour sleep here and there since this morning. I'm running errands, talking to family members, assisting the hospice nurses and making arrangements for his passing. As odd as this may sound, I actually was able to administer my first suppository this morning. It's a good thing a part is just a part - because I'm not sure everyone can do what I've been doing these past 14 hours or so.
Work and school have been working with me and have been very understanding in my situation. I got things cleared and booked the next available ticket out here. (One way of course. I'm not putting a time line when to return to work, but I did let them know that I will probably be gone for a week.) Between studying for school, working out, helping my parents, and taking care of my grandfather - I have a feeling I'm going to be very busy.
I don't expect my grandfather to make it past this weekend, but you never know. He's already gone into renal failure, cannot eat/drink, is restless, and seeing people from the other side. I'm not sure who or what he's waiting on, but I hope he goes comfortably and soon.
Please pray for my family members that they will be comforted and can help one another through this.
One love~
Friday, January 15, 2010
Honest Reflections
Tonight was a night of sorts.
I almost had to break up a fight between a father and a son.
In my honest reflections of tonight's events, I've come to the conclusion that mental and verbal abuse is just as bad, if not - has longer lasting affects on someone than physical abuse.
Would I dare to let an event, such as this evening, keep me from getting married? No. But, it makes me take a deeper look into what I want in a companion, how I want to raise my children, and how to effectively communicate.
I don't have all the answers to: Will I ever see my son again? What do I do now? What have I done wrong? Will I loose the rest of my children?
What I do know and have an answer to is this: I can only give my heart to someone that I can feel comfortable and safe with. I know that I will get an attitude once in a while and maybe raise my voice a bit. But I also know that it's not in me to attack mentally, physically, verbally, or emotionally a person and deliberately cut him/her down. I know I'm not always right. I know I'm not perfect. But I have a lot of love to give, and that's what I want to focus on. The Love.
Let us all take an honest reflection of how we're living our life, tweak what needs to be tweaked, tighten a bolt where it needs to be tightened, and learn to laugh at our self.
Yes. For crying out loud, laugh once in a while!
I almost had to break up a fight between a father and a son.
In my honest reflections of tonight's events, I've come to the conclusion that mental and verbal abuse is just as bad, if not - has longer lasting affects on someone than physical abuse.
Would I dare to let an event, such as this evening, keep me from getting married? No. But, it makes me take a deeper look into what I want in a companion, how I want to raise my children, and how to effectively communicate.
I don't have all the answers to: Will I ever see my son again? What do I do now? What have I done wrong? Will I loose the rest of my children?
What I do know and have an answer to is this: I can only give my heart to someone that I can feel comfortable and safe with. I know that I will get an attitude once in a while and maybe raise my voice a bit. But I also know that it's not in me to attack mentally, physically, verbally, or emotionally a person and deliberately cut him/her down. I know I'm not always right. I know I'm not perfect. But I have a lot of love to give, and that's what I want to focus on. The Love.
Let us all take an honest reflection of how we're living our life, tweak what needs to be tweaked, tighten a bolt where it needs to be tightened, and learn to laugh at our self.
Yes. For crying out loud, laugh once in a while!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Exerpts from the Love Journal
Yes people, if you forgot, I do have a "love journal". I promise it's not bogged down with mushy stuff or the thoughts of a hopeless romantic. It's something for the future Mr. Pili girl! hee hee. It's so he can get to know me better. (It contains my deepest/darkest secrets!) j/k. Just thoughts that I thought I would share with him if we were together right now.
So, I thought I'd put some of my Pili girl randomness on here because we all know how much I love to be "random"! ha ha ha And if you can't handle my openness, then skip to the next blog. =)
"- I don't like chocolate except on certain times of the month. (True statement)
- Diamonds are overrated. (Don't care for them... if you want me to feel like an 8 cow wife, give me the 8 cows!)
- Don't ever touch the knees... ever! (Reflex- usually ends up with a pulled back fist.)
- Shaving legs is not always an enjoyable task.
- Star gazing is romantic!
- Creator of the pantyhose should be shot!
- Sorry - I don't always like wearing make-up
- My favorite colors: green, blue, brown.
- Roses. Roses are used too openly and to me, don't really mean a lot. (Especially red roses. But, you give me a black rose, and I'm all yours!)
- I like plumerias.
- I like to get in touch with my inner-child, so don't be surprised if I bust out singing "I'm going on a lion hunt..."
- I like to belch out loud.
- Farting: it's a bodily function. (It happens...)
- Holding me is sometimes better than a kiss.
- Turn down the lights and read a book with me.
- Snoring: yes, even females do it... I hope I don't do it often. (It's embarrassing.)
- PMS: I apologize in advance.
- Favorite Drink: water
- I love giving service: One of my favorite times of giving service was the Chicago Urban Studies program at BYU-I."
Well friends and family, that's all you get for now. Maybe I'll post more of my randomness from the Love Journal on here at a later date.
PAZ!
So, I thought I'd put some of my Pili girl randomness on here because we all know how much I love to be "random"! ha ha ha And if you can't handle my openness, then skip to the next blog. =)
"- I don't like chocolate except on certain times of the month. (True statement)
- Diamonds are overrated. (Don't care for them... if you want me to feel like an 8 cow wife, give me the 8 cows!)
- Don't ever touch the knees... ever! (Reflex- usually ends up with a pulled back fist.)
- Shaving legs is not always an enjoyable task.
- Star gazing is romantic!
- Creator of the pantyhose should be shot!
- Sorry - I don't always like wearing make-up
- My favorite colors: green, blue, brown.
- Roses. Roses are used too openly and to me, don't really mean a lot. (Especially red roses. But, you give me a black rose, and I'm all yours!)
- I like plumerias.
- I like to get in touch with my inner-child, so don't be surprised if I bust out singing "I'm going on a lion hunt..."
- I like to belch out loud.
- Farting: it's a bodily function. (It happens...)
- Holding me is sometimes better than a kiss.
- Turn down the lights and read a book with me.
- Snoring: yes, even females do it... I hope I don't do it often. (It's embarrassing.)
- PMS: I apologize in advance.
- Favorite Drink: water
- I love giving service: One of my favorite times of giving service was the Chicago Urban Studies program at BYU-I."
Well friends and family, that's all you get for now. Maybe I'll post more of my randomness from the Love Journal on here at a later date.
PAZ!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Changing of the guard...
It's a new year with bright/wonderful possibilities. A chance to turn over a new leaf and start things fresh and new! (Not unless you live in Rexburg, then it's plowing through snow and slush - but hey... who's complaining?) =)
2009 held many stepping stones. There was a lot of growth that happened, and a lot of self discovery, and healing.
Although I don't do New Year's Resolutions, I do, however, set goals. Goals that are both meaningful, attainable, and another thing to check off of my life list of goals to accomplish.
Even though it's already the 2nd of January, I don't have my goals set just yet, but I know I need to do that very soon since I'm leaving for BCT in 3 months. This year, I'm going to attempt to make goals on all sides of my box. Meaning: Emotional, physical, financial, Mental/Spiritual. I might post some of the goals on here at a later time if anyone wants to follow up with me on how they are going.
Anyway, New Year's was good. I spent it with many of my dear friends. I do have to say that junk food is no bueno. I had a little junk food this past break, and my body is screaming at me. It just feels yucky. So bring on the fruits and veggies!!!!
Okay, so there's a bunch of randomness for you all.
Peace!
2009 held many stepping stones. There was a lot of growth that happened, and a lot of self discovery, and healing.
Although I don't do New Year's Resolutions, I do, however, set goals. Goals that are both meaningful, attainable, and another thing to check off of my life list of goals to accomplish.
Even though it's already the 2nd of January, I don't have my goals set just yet, but I know I need to do that very soon since I'm leaving for BCT in 3 months. This year, I'm going to attempt to make goals on all sides of my box. Meaning: Emotional, physical, financial, Mental/Spiritual. I might post some of the goals on here at a later time if anyone wants to follow up with me on how they are going.
Anyway, New Year's was good. I spent it with many of my dear friends. I do have to say that junk food is no bueno. I had a little junk food this past break, and my body is screaming at me. It just feels yucky. So bring on the fruits and veggies!!!!
Okay, so there's a bunch of randomness for you all.
Peace!
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